Ever since I was a little girl, I have always known that if I were to ever get married, I would not be changing my last name. Not to offend anyone who has done this since many women do, but I have always thought the practice to be a little old-fashioned and offensive to women. It's like by getting married, you are losing a part of your identity. Also, it annoys me when married women get mail addressed to them as "Mrs. Husband's First Name Husband's Last Name." It's like not only do you lose your last name, but now you have to lose your first name too.
TLS grew up all over the South and Midwest and is very traditional. He definitely wants me to take on his last name and this has been a point of discussion for us. My thoughts on this topic are:
*I like that my initials are a palindrome. Palindromes make me happy.
*If I were to change my name, my initials would be MRS. Mrs. MRS is a little too much for me.
*I am an only child and there are no boys in my family. I have a very unusual last name and don't want to essentially kill it.
Yet, with my unusual name comes a lot of baggage. Those of you who have sent me mail know that my last name can be difficult to pronounce and is 13 letters long! While this was great in identifying telemarketers before the days of Caller ID and Do Not Call, it gets really annoying when not a single person I meet can pronounce my name right away and always has to spend about 5 minutes mispronouncing my name and then makes some lame jokes about it. My name is German in origin and the thought of spending four years in a country where everyone can pronounce my name without trouble sounds so appealing. It's another reason for why I was sure I wanted to keep my name. Of my last three friends who got married, only one chose not to keep her name. Yet as I sit here filling out my parts of our marriage application and all the paperwork that goes along with it, I start to wonder if it would just be easier to start over with a 5 letter name and I don't know what I want to do any more.
For those of you out there reading this that are married, did you keep your last name or take on your husband's and what were your reasons for doing so?
I took his name because I feel like that's just what you do when you marry the man you love. You want to become one (corny) and it's one of the ways in which you do so. PLUS, an S is so fun to write in cursive!
ReplyDeleteI agree that it is old fashioned and not common practice in every country as it is in the US. But I think you need to look at it long term. How would you handle childrens last names? I plan to keep my name and also have the same last name as my children. But if you will be the only one in your future family with your last name, you might feel left out.
ReplyDeleteI am with you 100%. My last name is very unique, italian in origin. I plan to keep my name as well. I think its a personal decision and I feel strongly that my last name is who I am. I am proud to be italian, and giving up that last name means giving up that identifiable piece of my heritage. I think you can always change your mind later on if your feelings on the matter change or if you decide you want to have the same last name as your kids, if you have any
ReplyDeleteI personally do not have experience with this, but my mother took my father's last name while keeping hers and making it kind of like a second middle name, if that makes sense. Before she was married, she was MEI, and now she is MEIS. She doesn't get a lot of stuff monogrammed, but when she does she gets MIS (her maiden name serving as the middle name).
ReplyDeleteJust another take on what you can do!
I actually like my maiden name better than my dh's name and would have preferred to keep it. I wanted to have the same last name as my children. I am a teacher and have never met a student who likes to have a hyphenated last name (just speaking of those who have one).
ReplyDeleteI am taking my fiance's name when we get married. I have thought about keeping my name before, since I like it and we have no boys to carry on our name either...but I felt that me keeping the name wouldn't really help...it's not like my kids would have my last name. Also, I think it makes life a lot easier when you have kids to all have the same name. Otherwise you will have to deal with people calling you Mrs. TLS anyway, and then correcting them....and then them wondering if you're married, divorced, etc.
ReplyDeleteJust my two sense, but I think it's a woman's choice to either change it or not!
I took my husbands last name and made my maiden name my middle name. So, I went from being AHB to ABM, and since I'm pregnant, if we have a girl, her name will be my old middle name, so we can start all over again and have her be H_M...I never felt like my last name was my identity, but I am glad it's still part of my full name and on my license and social security card and all that. Plus, it meant a lot to my husband and my in-laws that I took their name, which was fine by me.
ReplyDeleteThat is a tough one. My boyfriend and I talk about it too. My dad passed away and for soem reason that has made me really want to retain my lastname. However, I want my kids and I to have the same last name and I'm not into hyphenation...Tough tough!
ReplyDeleteI kept my last name and added his to it without the hyphen.
ReplyDeleteMy brother's wife kept her last name and only goes by the married name in social situations.
I do not have children but my brother and SIL do. I think it is just what you are comfortable doing.
Your last name is phonetic. TLS's .... not so much. I actually don't know how to say his last name. Keep it!
ReplyDeleteAlot of my friends have taken on their spouses last name and changed their middle name to their maiden name. I think that's a great compromise:)
ReplyDeleteFunny you post this, someone just asked me recently. I changed my name and being an only child I can see where you are coming from. For me though it actually helped give me my own identity. I live near my parents and they are the people that everyone knows. So i was also their daughter not me. So changing my name actually gave me more of an identity and did not take it away!
ReplyDeleteI took my husband's name and never thought twice about it. But so has everyone in my family and I'll be honest - I'm not sure I know anyone who hasn't. I don't think it's a bad thing either way, just a personal choice. I like his name, my maiden name is complicated and was never said correctly. And I just like the idea of being "his." That may offend some people though, so I stick with my opinion that it's a personal choice and will be different for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI took my husband's last name and never considered not doing it. I have a traditional southern family and there would have been a lot of raised eyebrows if I hadn't. I also agree with A Wedding Story about becoming one family. Like you, my old initials were a palindrome- WAW. Now I'm WWD and I must say, I LOVE having a monogram (wDw) with the left and right letters being the same. I love symmetry. :-)
ReplyDeleteWhen/if I get married, I am definitely changing my last name! I think it's just because I think when you get married, you are starting your new family, the one you want to be with forever. I think that for me, taking the last name will be signifying the union and bond that I'll be sharing with my husband. BUT...most of my friends that have gotten married have started using their maiden name as their middle initial and adding their husband's name. I think that's a neat idea too.
ReplyDeleteI took his name. I am a writer, so I use my full name (first name, maiden name, his last name) when I write. I didn't want to lose the identity I had built up throughout my career, but it was important to me that we be a "simple" family unit. I don't want to have a different name as my kids one day. That was one of my biggest points!
ReplyDeleteIn the South, it's very common for a woman to take her maiden name as her middle name. I had a very distinct Italian last name and wouldn't give it up ever. So I changed it to my middle name and can announce myself as if it were hyphenated (Sarah Mastrario Cook) or just as Sarah Cook.
ReplyDeleteI'm no where near married - heck, I'm single! - but I have thought a bit about this. My issue is a bit different though. In the south, it's traditional for a woman to take her maiden name as her middle name. My middle name, however, is my mom's mother's name who passed when my mom was all of 8 years old. I don't want to lose that name. I know I'll take my future husband's last name. It's whether or not I drop my maiden name all together that's the question!
ReplyDeleteI'm taking my fiance's last name. I'm traditional in that way, and I don't think I'm giving up my identity in any way. My identity just now involves him! And his last name is fun :). My mom kept her maiden name. It was never really an issue, she would just tack on my dad's last name to hers when involved in school things for me.
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ReplyDeleteMy mom kept her name (D) and my dad kept his name (B), mostly because they owned a lab together and did not need doctors they were trying to sell to know they were married. My sister and I have hyphenated last names (D-B)... which was always kind of fun. When I get married I don't know what I will do; i'm not necessarily opposed to taking his name, but I think I'd rather not. Specifically, I would not be taking my bf's last name.. it is NOT GOOD. (Graves) ha. but maybe I could do D-G or I could just stay D-B.. I dunno. A lot to think about. Good thing I have a lot of time :)
ReplyDeleteI plan on dropping my last name if I ever get married and using is as my middle name. However I plan on giving it to a child as a first name. However I have sent you mail and this is NOT an option for you!
ReplyDeleteI didn't change my last name for one of the reasons you listed yourself. I'm an only child with no other boys in the family to carry the name on. If I don't keep it, our family line will die. Plus, i wasn't going to be trading my unpronouncable last name in for another one just as unpronouncable (which was the case). So I just kept it. The kids especially if it's a boy will have my last name. This hasn't been a popular decision but it was the decision that was right for us.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it was all about the future children when I was deciding about taking my husband's name. It was important to me that we all (parents and kids) shared the same last name. Also, we ended up using my maiden name as our first born son's middle name. Sounds like your maiden name is kind of cumbersome, so that may not work for you. Good luck on your decision, it's all about what feels right to YOU!
ReplyDeleteHi! I recently sent you an email regarding the hair accessory. Please contact me back when you can! Thanks! :)
ReplyDeleteI couldn't wait to take Chris' last name, because my maiden name is WEIRD. Plus, I'm one of 10 kids, so it wasn't like there was a shortage of people to carry on the family name :-) I think that you should do what makes both of you happy. If, after discussion you find that he really would be hurt and disappointed if you didn't take his name, then that might be good reason to do so. But if he's OK with it, then keep you name! Just remember that for the rest of your life, people will probably make assumptions and you'll have to make constant corrections (yes - we're married; no - we don't have the same last name). That might get old.
ReplyDeleteI took his last name because, like your first commenter, I feel like it's part of us becoming "one" as a couple and later, as a family. I'm proud to be his wife and taking his name is part of that for me. Not changing my name was never an option in my eyes. I think you should definitely do whatever feels right for you.
ReplyDeleteKnowing children were not in our future, I was less troubled about keeping my name, and it was actually something TSU supported.
ReplyDeleteSending you a smile Miss MRM,
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I ran into this dilemma too, when it came to change my name. I'd always assumed I'd take my husband's name/drop my middle name, but when it came time to do it, I didn't want to lose my middle OR maiden name. There are lots of options -- you could hyphenate your last names (kids do not have to have a hyphenated last name even if you do -- you choose that when they're born), you could drop your current middle name and make your maiden name your middle name, OR you could keep all four names (so you either have two middle names or two, unhyphenated last names.) It would be totally cool to be in a country where everyone can pronounce your name and I wouldn't want to miss out on that either. You could change your name to whatever you decide legally, but just go by/tell people your last name is your maiden name during your time in Germany...? Hope this helps and you figure out something that makes you both happy!!
ReplyDeleteI totally get it. My maiden was very Italian, 12 letters long and nobody could pronounce it. I jumped to change it to my hubs' very easily pronounced and spelled last name.
ReplyDeleteI actually know a couple where he took her last name. She's an only child and he gets along better with her family then his own. It made more sense to him to change his name.
ReplyDeleteI am a traditionalist at heart, so I took my husband's name.
I, like many here, changed my middle name to my maiden name. My sister did the same thing. While we do not have a traditional maiden name she is naming her son with our maiden name as his middle name. We are the only grandchildren and both girls. The name would die otherwise yet I feel it is important to "leave and cleave" and start a new family. When I lived in the midwest and taught at an elementary school there was a family who combined their last names and gave their child a new "combined" version of their two last names...it was unique but also confusing since 3 last names were not involved in one family.
ReplyDeleteIn the end it is totally your choice, and there really is no "wrong" answer. There is more work when you have to change your driver's license and social security cards but it's worth it :)
Best Wishes!
I loved my maiden name, and had made a nice little career for myself pre-husband. I totally dragged my feet in changing it... waited until 8 months after the wedding to do it, as a birthday present. I did it since the man I married is in the military, and trying to get anything done to move overseas was a total bitch with different names. It's not a great reason, but I did it. I changed my middle name to my maiden name, so I can still put my maiden name on resumes, still have it on my voicemail, email, etc., without having the whole hyphen issue. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteI had a very unusual, hard to spell maiden name as well and I was pretty torn about giving it up. I HATE when I get anything that says Mrs. My Husbands first and last name ... uhhh hello? In the end, I officially made my middle name my maiden name and took my husband's last name. I felt like I wasn't losing it this way - or losing any of me.
ReplyDelete