want a free Tory Burch tote?

Yea that's what I thought. Read on.

May 14-19, I will be visiting two lovely sorority sisters in Chicago. This requires a lot of reading material for the flights and trips to and from the airport. There are only so many times that I can read articles about my best orgasm ever, which jeans are good for my behind, and how to get men to ask me out for a second date. (With most of the men I date, I don't want a second date.) "Fabulous," you say. "But what does this have to do with a free Tory tote?" Here's what. Since I follow your blogs, I know you all can write. Incredibly well. So I am leaving the topic of my summer reading entirely in your hands and keyboards. You have to sing for your supper, and you have to write for your Tory tote.

To enter this giveaway, write a story that begins with "Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad." Your story has to be at least 5 pages long, typed, double-spaced, and use at least 10 of the following words: Twitter, interrogation, sledge hammer, fillibuster, latte, hayloft, babies, vacuum, spot, mother, Istanbul, gong, auto, bee, straw, boobies, charcoal, pizza, traffic, error, Fear Street, pearl, lotto, moonshine, rubik's cube, Ray-Bans, hedgehog, fax machine, ants, vampire, Parrothead. Email me your story to whaleflipflops {@} gmail {.} com by Thursday May 14th at 10am Eastern Standard Time. I will print out all of the stories and take them on the plane with me. When I get to Chicago, KMH and I will go through them and pick the winner and award her this beauty.

We will most likely be under the influence when doing this, so the more random and hilarious your story is, the better your chances of winning are. We are not against reading something that is worthy of a frat house. Or a harlequin romance novel. Or both.

There are no points for second place. The plaque for the alternates is in the Ladies' Room.